My name is Felix. I'm a junior in high school. I am a transgender guy (assigned female at birth, presenting male) soon to begin medically transitioning (1-2 months from now!!). I'm one of the extremely lucky ones in that I both discovered that part of me at a young age (about 13) and I have been blessed with an extremely accepting immediate family who supports me, especially my mother and my 7-years-older sister.
I am not 'stealth' (a term for trans people who don't need other people to know they are trans) because I've grown up in the town I'm in all my life. Most of my friends and my bullies have known who I was before and who I am now.
Ask me anything. I'm willing to answer all the questions that you are hesitant to ask your trans friends, even if it seems offensive--or dumb.
Serious comments only please.
I tried to shave my legs once before I came out and I was shit at it, basically shaved a single stripe and then cut the hell out of my skin trying to get another one and gave up, and I also hate the feeling of ridiculously smooth skin for some reason, so nope, I don't. I also don't really have armpit hair because my hair is super light brown and it hardly shows up, so no need to.
If you prefer your body to be smooth as George Michael's liquidy gold voice, but afraid they will laugh, let them laugh. I wish I could say more and I know it's easier said than done but I've learned that you have to let them laugh.
People are going to laugh at you for a lot of things, especially in the beginning. They're going to tell you you're weird and ridiculous, but when you've gotten to the point where that happiness outweighs the laughter, they'll stop, and they'll start to think about things they really want to do but are afraid of people laughed at for and maybe you'll help somebody else on their way to being their best self.
Thanks for the question!
Will you get a dick? (Serious question I don’t know how surgery works)
Hey Fawk, great first question lmao
So the thing with gender affirmation surgeries, mostly with surgery involving the genitals, is that they're still very very underdeveloped. I'm not going to be eligible for surgeries like that bc of my age for a while so maybe science will advance on artificial peens in the next decade, but I personally don't plan on acquiring a dick in my future because:
1 -- The surgeries are MAD expensive
2 -- With bottom surgery, it is always surgerIES rather than just one (sometimes five or more before the whole thing even starts to look like a penis, plus a surgery or two to make the testes if wanted, I'll go into deeper detail if you want but it is pretty NSFW)
3 -- Higher risk of complications and a reaaaally long recovery time.
Maybe if I become a trophy husband I'll have more opportunity to look into it.
Tl:Dr: No. Unfortunately.
So you discovered yourself at 13, and I’m not trying to be hostile, but I do wonder... what happens if your discovery isn’t so much a discovery as a coping mechanism and it takes some time to discover that? I didn’t know who I was until I was in my 20’s, my question then I suppose is: given how young you were and still are do you ever think about the future and how these choices may affect you in both positive and negative ways? Do you weigh your options or do you lock in on what you believe is right at such a young age without much experience?
I’m very supportive of the trans community but I have a hard time with the child aspect, I don’t think children know what is best for them. I think we decided as a society that it’s a parents job to determine what’s beat for a child (I know many fail at this too), yet you had decided you were born with the wrong gender at 13? Idk, had you gone to therapy a lot? Have you sought treatment from a psychological standpoint or was this a spit of the moment discovery?
It's entirely possible.
So I really figured out I felt more comfortable presenting masculine at 13, but I didn't come out for another year. I spent that year before entering high school trying to figure out what the hell the feeling meant, and I did seriously consider that I wasn't really trans, just dealing with badly internalised misogyny, which has happened. It can be a phase for some kids.
I do think about my future like this a lot. I firmly believe gender is a spectrum and that things can change as time goes on. I think a lot about what will happen if I hit my 20s or 30s and suddenly I'm not so happy with how I've identified, and honestly, I have no good answer for you. I imagine it would feel just like learning that the research work you've been doing all your life is getting its funding cut and you're just left there like, okay, so what do I do next? But not necessarily in a bad way if that makes sense?
I don't know who I am, like, I don't know my entire identity right this moment because that takes a lifetime or more to discover...I just know that this particular part is making me a lot happier than identifying female or non-binary or whatever else had been. Everybody in my life pretty much knows that it is possible I may pursue a different identity later. It just be like that. Since I can't plan for that to happen, I can only focus on going after what can make me happy now and in the foreseeable future.
I started therapy not long after I came out for both anxiety/depression (which had been pretty bad, both of which were improved after my social transition) and for my dysphoria. It's been about three years. It's hard to explain in a way other than it just feels like this is right, like this is a specific part of the foundation I had to put down before going on. And I did. And now I'm pretty happy!
okay, I have like heaps of burning questions I always want to ask a trans guy. for background, I grew up on the place where LGBTQA+ is illegal ( you could lose everything if you tell the world you are a gay man), then moved to a place where gay marriage is legal, and people can easily tell the world that they are a part of lgbtq+ communities. this is a new concept for me and tbh, those questions below are kinda dumb too.
so here are my questions:
yea that's it thanks man :)
Okay, imma speedrun this explanation just for the hell of it, let's see how I do
Also they can break or move your ribs if you're not careful and wear it too much/for exercise (the cardinal rule is DON'T DO ANYTHING THAT REQUIRES STEADY BREATHING and DON'T SLEEP IN IT). Exercise that isn't super super light can increase the risk. It's important to take breaks from the binder too, I usually go into a bathroom stall and raise my arms or sometimes I'll lift the binder off and let it sit around my neck until I'm ready to go again.
Top surgery recovery is generally 6 weeks like any other major surgery. Depending on the method you got and any complications, it can be longer, but let's say in this example everything went smoothly. You're first looking at a couple days to a week where you can't shower because of the wounds, having to change the wraps often, and generally being super damn sore. On top of that you can't move your arms very well for a bit due to pain and weakness so you may need help for the first week or two. Why it is so expensive, I'm not sure. The procedure is more often used on cis females with cancer or other abnormalities in the breasts to save lives. Most insurance doesn't cover impromptu tiddy removal idk
I fucking hate needles, but hey it's a necessary evil. It's not the only way of getting T into your body though! There's also a gel you put on your body and a patch form so you have different options if you can't stomach the injections. Idek if I'll be able to handle the injections, but the injected form works faster, so I'm gonna try that first.
'They' is used in the plural sense usually, so if you know someone who uses 'they/them,' you'd say things like this: "They are busy right now," "They are in the bathroom," "I went to the store with them," etc. It may seem like you should be talking about a group of people, but it all depends on the context. You can clarify that you're talking about one person if need be.
So this varies from person to person, but my advice is don't ask if he's trans. The reasoning is that it is kind of personal, like, you don't need to know his business if you aren't a close friend or whatever. His body isn't something you need to know much about unless he wants to tell you this, and in public, I generally don't answer questions like this when asked by people who aren't my family, close friends, or romantic partners since they are not privy to my body and everything that goes with transitioning. They're not gonna be involved in the process and it usually means they have more personal questions following it (why you need to know if I have a dick??)
It can also feel like we 'look' trans when you ask, and some people feel dysphoric because it means they're not passing (as cis) well. If you're friends with the dude sure! If not then no, do not ask. I totally understand the curiosity but he's just trying to live his life, he's probably not going to be open to a question and answer like we've got going here :P
Hope this helps, you can ask for clarification if you need.
how do you feel about people not wanting to date trans based on their physical sex, rather than the gender they identify as? such as a cis male not wanting to date a transgender woman?
not sure i'f i'm using terms properly to identify the scenario, so i can be less pc if my question doesn't make sense.
Great question. This is a controversial one, I guess.
So personally, I forget that some people are completely straight and completely gay lol. I was bi before I came out, still am. I've had girlfriends and boyfriends both. I don't have a preference physically. Some people do. That slips my mind sometimes.
With that in mind the idea confused me at first. If you love the person, I think you can get over anything like some unusual physical traits. I'd hope so. So I'm skeptical about whether or not it is transphobic.
On the one hand, using the scenario you gave, this man is interested in this woman. She has always been a woman. Her body is a woman's body, because she is a woman. It is not like most women's bodies, and that's not a bad thing. She's still a woman, and if her being different down below is what breaks it for you, I'm torn between saying you were in the relationship for the wrong reasons if it came down to the sex for you.
On the other, preferences exist. Especially those with trauma. If the man in this situation has trauma related to penises and just can't be with anybody who has a penis, okay. Trans women and cis men and AMAB (assigned male at birth) non-binary folk are off the table for them and they shouldn't be expected to just get over that trauma.
Having outside issues like being harassed when he is with her would be different. But if this cis person didn't want to date this woman because she didn't have a vagina, it's pretty much a grey area of transphobic and not transphobic at once. Especially if its because someone wants biological kids.
The big thing I hate is people who will date trans people for their bodies and disregard the identity of the person. There are some lesbian women who will prey on young trans men, literally prey on them. Trans people often feel rejected and unloved, especially when they first come out, and some really cruel people will take advantage of that for a physical relationship. Lesbians dating MEN is obviously a little weird and I would find it incredibly invalidating and even objectifying. If a girl wants to date me, she's asking for a hetero relationship. If a guy wants to date me, he's asking for a homo relationship. Plain and simple.
I realize I kinda rambled towards the end, but did that answer your question?
Do you mind if I don't ask a question?
My wife and I decided Felix would be a great name for our eventual son. Have a great Sunday, man
You've chosen a good name.
Just beware that your kid will always be associated with Fix-It Felix and Felix The Cat, no matter how old those two characters will be by the time he's born. I find it cool though :P
Have a great day.
What is a big misconception about you?
That I'm the stereotype 'feminist trans person who won't shut up about every little thing,' that has been formed over time, if that makes sense. A lot of people especially at school are surprised im a chill guy because they expect all trans people to be in full blue, pink and white SWAT gear with the Social Justice Rifle weeping smoke 24/7.
It's a cool idea, but we all get tired. I enjoy debating, I don't enjoy finding problems where there aren't any.
Also that I'll bite your head off for messing up the pronouns.
What is the cost of the transition?
A lot of moneys, dude
And often, some friendships. But live and let live.
To actually answer i'm not totally sure, it depends on where you live and insurance, but a single top surgery, like mastectomy or implants, can be anywhere upwards from 12k. Actually will most likely be upwards of 12k. Way upwards. Bottom surgeries can be 30k+ where I am and that's only the minimum IF everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, goes fantastically. So if you only need the one surgery, no complications, no extra overnight stays, etc, like 100k. But I'm probably way undershooting it too.
I gotta do more looking around.
But for testosterone injections!! They're like the cost of birth controls. Maybe 30 bucks for a vial that'll will for a month of injections (four).
I was raised without one single religion. My parents were big on me learning about as many as I could to make my own choice, but I believe they're Baptist. We're not very religious in general. Most of the changes are reversible. I don't think it's the right word though. HRT will be lifelong for me. If I miss a dose or more, my body might start to redistribute fat, less acne, etc. The only things that aren't are the deeper voice and the likely but not guaranteed loss of fertility.
I stated below I'm most likely not getting any form of bottom surgery, and top surgery is largely superficial. Implants would be used I guess. I'm not going to change those, though. I'm pretty positive. Yes it's possible, but I can't see any scenario where I would.
If you could ask cis people one dumb or offensive question that you've been hesitant to ask, what would it be?
Ooh boy. I haven't really thought about it. I'm a very blunt person so I've probably asked something like you described before.
Any questions I have would be more about how they perceive me. Gender roles may be stupid but they do dictate a lot of my life because I really try to follow a masculine style (physically anyway), so I always wonder if any of my efforts actually matter to my cis peers or if they'll always see something on me that I haven't seen.
Truly, when I look in the mirror, I see a teenage boy. Because I am a teenage boy. The body I have is the body of a teenage boy. Not the common teenage boy, but a teenage boy nonetheless. Others don't often see it, which is just confusing for me. And them. All around confusion.
Do you have gender dysphoria?
Yes. Much. But that has evolved with me to be a little less painful, thankfully.
I really don't want to sound rude but how can you claim with such security that you discovered what you are/want to be at 13? Aren't you scared that some more years go by and you realize that actually that's not how you feel like anymore? Is that something that scares you at all?
I say this because i'm 24 now and i feel like 20 year old me was an idiot, and 13 year old me was a complete idiot. And in 5 years i'll probably think that i'm an idiot now. Seems like a really big decision to be going through at such a young age
Hi epeto, I actually answered this question down below with gimmeprops99. Please read that reply, I think it'll answer your question, but if not feel free to ask for an elaboration or something. Thanks!
Hello Felix, I have a question regarding pronouns. I saw that you present as male so I assume you would go by he/him, but I recently heard of gender neutral pronouns ze/zir and would like to know your opinion on those pronouns?
Yep, I use he/him/his. I've heard of ze/zir too, as well as xie/xer/etc. I haven't dipped much into the non-binary side of the trans community so unfortunately I couldn't tell you a lot, but here's what I know:
These are called neopronouns, and they're used by a lot of people who don't identify with the binary! They're less common but just as valid. I think they're pronounced just as they look....but hard saying lol. Sorry I couldn't be much help there.
As for my opinion--and I don't feel it matters much, nor should it--I don't understand the nuances of how a z or x is more neutral, but if it makes those folks feel comfortable, no way I'm going to deny them that.
I trust that you believe a medical transition is your best path forward, but can you in all honesty deny that you have any fears of regret?
From personal experience, I have gone significantly longer time periods than that with a different relationship to my biological sex than I have now. Identity is complicated and continues to change for many years. Given your age and only around 4 years of your new identity, do you not see that as a risk?
Hey Shrimpo--I actually answered this question down below to gimmeprops99! If you have more questions you can reply to that one or reply here.
Do you have any suggestions for how adults can support trans middle schoolers or highschoolers who are being bullied? Thank you so much for doing this AMA
If you think people are using the wrong name on purpose, make a point to address them by that name more often. It helps after a long day. (might vary for others tho)
if you happen to be in the school with them as staff, the same thing above helps, but it's a good idea to learn the kind of subtle bullying trans kids face. I think most people who choose to bully know they have to be sneaky: if they look overtly transphobic then they'll get in trouble. Often people will use the wrong pronouns on purpose, they may use the person's birth name, and some people will only use the right pronouns when the person is around. I couldn't tell you how many people used my birth name bc I irritated them in some way. Teachers never noticed. It depends on the person, again, but for kids who've just come out, that stuns you for a hot minute. If you can pay attention and stop the kid, it could be a big help.
Always good to ask them what would help! Being a teenager sucks and they were dealt a shitty hand on top of that, so having open communication about how you can support them will be great. They may need a place to vent, and if they're in rural areas like I grew up in, there probably aren't many other trans people to talk to.
Riding off of the last point, if they're your child/student/etc or you just are close enough to them, I'm sure you can find some LGBT support groups for teens in your area and maybe you can get them some more info on it :)
Thanks for your question! Hope that helped!
Do you know what Karyotype you are?
X – Roughly 1 in 2,000 to 1 in 5,000 people (Turner’s )
XX – Most common form of female
XXY – Roughly 1 in 500 to 1 in 1,000 people (Klinefelter)
XY – Most common form of male
XYY – Roughly 1 out of 1,000 people
XXXY – Roughly 1 in 18,000 to 1 in 50,000 births
I knew about all the conditions but I'm not sure if I have any of the uncommon combinations. I'll have to get a test done. Could be interesting to see I suppose, but I doubt it'll relate. Definitely don't have Turner's tho
How old are you now?
How did your transition from F to M go, as far as clothing, hair, posture,..., before even the medical transition?
I'm 16, will be 17 this coming April.
It went...well, it went. It's hard to say exactly each change but I know i'm so much more outgoing (which is also antidepressants but yknow). Cut my hair, started for masculine looking clothes, bought some mens underwear and stuff. I tried for a while to figure out how cis dudes walk naturally but i;m not sure that my natural walk betrays me not being cis, so I kinda leave it alone now.
Maybe from outside it looks different. I'll have to ask my friends and get back to you haha
What happened to being a tomboy? Usually kids and adolescent girls go through a tomboy stage. If a girl acts like a tomboy nowadays are they trans?
Plenty of butch and tomboy girls still exist.
They're only trans men if they say they are trans men. I know a lot of ladies who love being masculine women! I know a lot of men who love being feminine boys!
It's all about their personal needs, my friend.
Did you know that this is haram and that Allah does not approve of such degeneracy?
I assumed you are a troll but did you actually want an answer to your question?
How, exactly, are you a man? If I declare myself a duck am I a duck?
I'm a man the same way you are a man. Gender and sex have never been connected--not really, and history and science are revealing more like that all the time. I'm no biologist. You'll have to do some more intense research for a clear cut answer.
I guess i'm more a boy being young, but we're not that different.
If you separate your brothers because they weren't born your brothers, you'll carve yourself a pretty lonely crater on this earth, cutting out cis and trans men both.