recaps of the top 'ask me anything' interviews from reddit and more...
Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Week is coming up, I am a father who lost a child at 28 weeks, AMA

I did an AMA on this last year and thought maybe its time I did another since it was so popular

My short bio: In June 2016 me and my partner at the time found out we were expecting a baby after trying for 4 years.

On one of her scans we found she had an anomaly, lots of scans later we were assured not to worry about it. Then on December 15th 2016 we were told there was no heartbeat, our daughter had died.

She was born December 20th 2016 at 5:18 am weighing 2lb 9oz.

Pregnancy and infant loss awareness week is coming up, I want to do what I can do to break the taboo of childloss and be there to talk about it, or answer any questions anyone has on the subject. So please, Ask Me Anything

My Proof: https://imgur.com/a/nOPAeUA


60
questions
7,368
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September 24th 2019
interview date
lawandhodorsvu

My daughter died 1 year and 9 months ago. I thought we would be fine. Our families were supportive, I had experienced grief. I knew the depression would come and eventually go. My wife had never experienced grief. She at first couldnt do anything. I felt if I could get her back to feeling like herself, Id have time to mend on my own. So I went back to work, got into my routine and helped out as much as I could. The more I gave the less she wanted to do. When she went back to work, months later, it wasnt the same. She was very social and everyone knew she was pregnant but no one wanted to share the bad news with her clients or coworkers so it seemed like every day she was asked about our baby. She worked in an industry with a decent amount of headhunting and immediately wanted a fresh start. I explained to her how making big decisions while grieving was often a bad idea. Yet I completely understood wanting to avoid having to see the people that knew and didnt know. A fresh start maybe for the best? So I supported it.

We tried again and immediately conceived but only a month in, the pregnancy failed. She had to force the miscarriage. She told me she couldnt do it any more. I did what I could but at this point my depression had swallowed me. I couldnt see, she meant me.

A few months later, she confesses a moment with the new boss that crossed the line, my depression was no longer a little problem but had turned me into someone she was not in love with, and that she did not see kids in her future. We tried couples counseling for a month before she moved out.

We've been divorced for months now. Im dating again. I feel the depression more in check (couples counseler became my own therapist and literally a life saver). Im pushing myself to do new things. Some of them suck, but some arent so bad.

I know theres no sense thinking of the different ways it could have gone but I do think the social stigma and just horrible way she returned to work made everything harder on us. I wish people cared enough to say more than sorry, to offer to help and follow through with it. I lost most my friends in the divorce but Im happy to say the ones I still have are the ones that made the effort to see us during the hard times, buy a dinner, take me out for a drink, hear me complain for ridiculous amounts of time about how bad the last star wars movie was (because I was supposed to see it when she was born, saw it after she died, and now for whatever reason have linked the two). So if someone you know has this happen, be there. Make an effort. They will appreciate it later, even if they cant right away.

And if it happens to you. Seek help. The sooner the better and even when things seem alright, keep trying.

For Cadence.

Oh right an ama.. what did you do with the stuff? I still have a box of all the things. I take it out, I cry. I put it back. Then what?


byakuyabankai

Thank you for sharing. You're in my thoughts.

Erm to answer your question.

Being honest. My wife got nearly everything of hers when we split. I have a couple of baby grows and her original hand and footprints. I cherish them dearly.

MrRandyRhoads

My daughter is a surviving triplet. Her brothers developed TTTS and we ultimately lost them both before 22 weeks. All three were born at 27 weeks.

I feel your pain. My daughter is currently doing very well, but we still think about our boys every day.

When people ask you if you have any children, do you tell them that you have a daughter?


byakuyabankai

Sorry for the delayed reply.

Understandable you will definitely think about your boys daily. They will never leave your mind. I feel your pain friend and my dm is always open.

I do tell people I have a daughter or mention I'm an angel parent. I am an open book when it comes to talking about lexi. I actually enjoy talking about her. It makes her real.

negative-nelly

How was your treatment by the hospital staff?

I ask because I'm on the board of a foundation that sponsors training programs at a number of hospitals (Johns Hopkins, Weil Cornell, Cambridge, UCSF) where the goal is to train residents to be better at handling these kinds of situations, which are obviously difficult for everyone involved. Unfortunately sometimes the difficulty of the conversations makes it worse for the family suffering (or about to suffer) from the loss.

It's called the Cameron Kravitt foundation: https://www.cameronkravitt.org/. As with any non profit (especially one with our focus) we need all of the help we can get.


byakuyabankai

It's difficult. If you would ever like someone to come and do a talk or something let me know. It would be an honour and a privilege to do so.

Drop me a pm and we can talk.

Personally though the treatment we had from staff was brilliant. They couldn't have done enough. Yeah A few issues arose which I won't go into details here. But they were minor and easily sorted.

Buderfingers

I don’t normally post, but this is sadly all too relevant. My wife and I just lost our baby girl at 31 weeks into the pregnancy. That was about 3 weeks ago. Its still fresh, and its still weird not doing special things to prepare for her arrival, but we’re trying to keep pressing forward. I know that late in October, when she was due, it will be especially difficult.

How long was it before there was some sense of normalcy regained in the life of you and your wife?


byakuyabankai

I'm here if you need to talk. My DMS are always open. It's gonna be very hard for the next while. You will be in your own bubble right now. You will understand that I hope?

Normality I'm afraid doesn't come back. Things will change forever. Well that was in my case

SSJGodFloridaMan

A close friend of mine and his fiancee just had a miscarriage.

What can I even say? How do you even begin to broach that kind of emotional destruction?


byakuyabankai

Good question,

Some people take offense to sorry for your loss, so its very difficult. Definitely don't stop talking to them, they will open up to you if they want too. Just be there, let them know you're thinking of them, don't bring religion into it and don't say well you can always try again or something like that. Just be an awesome friend.

krisianieri

Just want to say I’m so sorry and I hope you are getting help to process it and taking good care of yourself. I know so many people who have lost a child and had healthy children after, if that helps at all. Good luck to you.

I do have a question actually. What is the most helpful thing someone has said to you about it?


byakuyabankai

Thank you very much.

My ex wife is actually currently pregnant with twins. As much as we aren't together anymore and they obviously aren't mine, I do wish her the best of luck with them going forward. For me, time will come eventually.

Honestly, nothing has been helpful that has ever been said. Its just nice when people want to talk about her or recognise she was actually real. Like all parents im proud of my child, she didnt breathe on this earth but im proud of her and love her unconditionally.

BigHeavy

You seem like a class act. Sorry for your loss and hope you are doing alright.

Favorite Bleach fight?


byakuyabankai

Good days and bad days as expected.

Favourite bleach fight....... Tough one. I think Either Byakuya Vs Ichigo, Or Renji Vs Ichigo in Soul Society, The pure emotion in that fight just gets me every time. How about you?

liquidSheet

Hey man just want to say kudos to you for doing this. Can't be easy, my wife and I have lost 4. I'll say as a guy I feel its tough sometimes to be open about this stuff...so seriously awesome that you can be. The only question I have would be on the down days/moments how do you pull yourself out of it? I still struggle at times with this myself. Guess one more, did you guys ever get counseling?


byakuyabankai

Thanks man. I've been thinking of doing a vlog on YouTube too. This needs to be talked about especially from a father's perspective. Wow though you must be awesome dude. I struggle with one never mind four. Life is too cruel.

Some times I can't pull myself out of the dark days. It's really difficult. Things that do help though are thinking and talking about her. Writing I find is very therapeutic. Each to their own though. You need to find your own coping mechanism. If you ever want to chat though please drop me a dm.

We did get therapy. Was right next to the scan department of the hospital so it was great then as you leave you see all the mother's waiting for scans and it just breaks you again. So in a way. It was pointless. These are the things that need to change. There is no way they should be next to each other in the same hospital.

OstentatiousRose

Do you find it disrespectful when people are excited about their current pregnancies around you and your wife?


byakuyabankai

Not at all. Everyone has the right to be excited about their pregnancy. I always say good luck now instead of congratulations. But that's cos I know things can go wrong.

My ex wife flaunts her pregnancy on Facebook knowing were still friends. That one hurts. But she has the right

thethirdrayvecchio

Heart goes out to you. Have had close friends go through similar struggles and know how hard it is to come out the other side.

Can you recommend some things that I can do that make a difference to besides kind words and listening?


byakuyabankai

Not really, thats the best thing you can honestly do. Let them talk, let them mention their child, just be as understanding as possible. The odd hug helps.

pdwHu

Will you ever try having a baby again? I can understand no for an answer, but if yes how do you overcome the fear?


byakuyabankai

I will try again when I find someone new (and if they want kids obviously). Its going to be difficult to overcome the fear of it happening again. But you have to just take each day as it comes I guess.

Thank you for your comment.

el_muskrat

I recently lost my son in March stillborn at 30 weeks. How do you feel we handle men’s pain regarding this?

I am not discounting the mothers loss here, just asking if we are handling the fathers correctly.


byakuyabankai

I feel your pain and I'm sending my thoughts to you.

Men seem to get pushed aside a lot. Everyone focuses on the mother's. Which I understand. Though us father's have had a loss too. I recommend any males who have had a loss find a support site daddy's with angels is a good one. Even if just for a while. It helps.

metallicaman49

How are you holding up right now?


byakuyabankai

I still have good days and bad days, its to be expected.

yrulaughing

I'm glad you're doing this OP. I am a diagnostic medical ultrasound technologist that does plenty of pelvic and OB ultrasounds and people don't realize the amount of patients I see that have a different parity and gravidity. (Number of pregnancies vs number of live deliveries)

Definitely important to bring attention to the fact miscarriages happen on a larger scale than most people think. The topic becomes taboo and people don't talk about it and I'm sure plenty of women feel worse than they should about miscarrying. It's definitely a fairly common thing to happen.

That being said, 28 weeks is very late to see a pregnancy terminate and typically we don't see pregnancies miscarry so far along, so my condolences to you.

I suppose my question to you is more ultrasound related. How much prenatal care did you receive as far as ultrasounds go? Where I work it can be typical to get a 1st trimester ultrasound (before 14 weeks) or two depending on what is seen. After that a nuchal fold ultrasound can possibly be done at around 12 to 13 weeks depending on if your OBGYN is worried about chromosomal anomalies. Then you get your complete anatomical ultrasound at around 18 to 20 weeks. After that, ultrasounds seem to basically be ordered as needed.


byakuyabankai

So. In the UK we get scans at 12 weeks and then 20 weeks. We had those and it was at 20 weeks the anomaly was found. We got scans every week from then. We got our last scan at 27 weeks and she died at 28.

If you ever see an umbilical vein varix and it grows. Please don't dismiss it like my doctor did.

slyfingers

My wife and I lost our son at 17 weeks on 9/11 this year. As if that day wasn’t shitty enough as it is already.

My experience is that most people are wonderful about being supportive of her, she has multiple people checking in on her, reaching out to her, providing emotional support, and the like. Everyone’s interactions with me, however, are along the lines of “you’re doing so great being there for her through this” with only two people reaching out to me specifically about me and my emotions in this process. Everyone else that has reached out has asked about her only (90%) or asking about me was an afterthought (10%) or at the end of the conversation with “you’re doing ok, right?”

We’re your experiences similar, and were you able to find resources specifically for the partner of the birth parent? Most of the things I am finding are geared towards the woman’s experience and the challenges that the birth parent faces, with very little help available for the partners. Also if you have links to resources on the national (US) or state/local (Texas/Dallas area) levels, that would be very helpful.

I have found that my two close female friends have been wonderful when I opened up to them, and yoga has been great in letting emotions out. I’m doing ok, but we’ve been out of state with her family and are headed back home now. I’m concerned about dealing with things when I go back to work and through the coming weeks and months.


byakuyabankai

Wow so right now it's going to be very raw for you. So first off I'm here if you need me. Just send me a DM. We can talk as much or as little as you like.

I did find it was exactly the same. There is no support for father's it's all about the mother. Though there is a group that did help me at the start called daddy's with angels. Look out for them on face book. I left when the founder died but that was my choice. The group is still going and they have a dads only group where you talk about anything and it goes no further.

Work will be difficult but you're already surviving and that's what matters. Each day is a struggle but you're doing it which means you're stronger than you may think. Keep going and remember you're not alone. I for one am here whenever you need me.

saposmak

What was the initial anomaly? What led your specialists to believe there was nothing to worry about later?


byakuyabankai

The initial anomoly was an Unblilical Vein Varix. Basically part of the vein in the cord was inflamed. Apparently it was Whartons Jelly Deficiency that killed her, though i am still not sure

lbrown13

Are yall going to try again?

I am sorry for your loss!!!


byakuyabankai

We are no longer together, We broke up about 7 months ago now, in short, an 6 month affair was had so we ended it.

she is happy now though, she is actually pregnant with twins with the person she had the affair with. I wish her luck.

Thanks

[deleted]

[deleted]


byakuyabankai

Thank you for your comment.

So emotionally you just feel drained. There is so much going on and you're just waiting for things to happen. Definitely numb for a while. You tend to go into your own little bubble for a while where things make sense to you.

Life outside the hospital. Everything just seemed different. You can't explain it. Like there was less colour in the world. Everything just seemed dull. It's hard to explain

BayouCountry

Do you talk to her?


byakuyabankai

Do I talk to my daughter? Yeah I talk to her.

Do I talk to my ex wife? No.

Doctorsass

Your daughter is so beautiful. Was the grief more difficult for you during or after the separation with your ex wife?


byakuyabankai

Very good question and thank you. She was perfect and always will be in my eyes.

The grief has always been difficult. Now it's slightly different. So back in the days me and my wife would grieve together. Now I'm all alone. It's different. Plus the fact she chose to leave too makes me grieve all over again in a different way. If that makes any sense.

Also to other people who posted. I will get around to replying I'm just at work at the moment. But I will reply.

skylarparker

21 days ago, I gave birth to my son at 39 weeks. We had 11 hours with him before he passed. He had Osteogenesis Imperfecta Type II, the lethal variant of what is better known as Brittle Bone disease.

My husband doesn’t show a whole lot of emotion, but he is absolutely wrecked by this. What helped you move on? How can I help him? He’s been my rock but I feel like I’m slowly wearing him down with my own sadness.


byakuyabankai

Hi, Apologies for the delay in replying, Firstly can i just say im sorry for your loss, this is going to be the worst time ever for you both and i am here if you ever need to chat.

The job of the husband/father is to protect. He may feel like he has failed as a protector. This is the only time i will say encourage him to talk to you. Talk to him how you're feeling too. This is an experience you are both going through together and you need to be there for each other.

ChristeenyB

What a sweet little face! I’m very sorry for your loss. Losing a baby is never easy. Whether it’s a stillbirth like your daughters, or in my case several miscarriages. It wrecks you from the inside.

How do you honor her memory? Is there a grave that you can visit? Do you and ex do anything to remember her as well?

I’m sure it’s very painful for her to reflect on this time as she’s now pregnant again.

I wish you all the luck in the future and hope that you and a future partner successfully conceive beautiful child(ren.)


byakuyabankai

Thank you. And My thoughts are with you. As soon as you see that line you have a future planned. It's Just a pain that never goes away.

We do have a grave site so to speak. I visited her yesterday to reflect on some thoughts. I speak about her regularly and on her birthday I release balloons with messages on. Just small things like that.

If you need to speak my dm is open.

dap00man

Wait, were you told that there was no heartbeat and then she was born fine because the Dr needed up. Or was she a stillborn? Sorry if this is insensitive, I was confused by the title. Either way that photo is moving and you are a very loving person for sharing your experience with others.


byakuyabankai

So. The timeline was, December 15th we found there was no heartbeat. December 20th she was born (I prefer the word) sleeping. She was born at 518 am weighing 2 lb 9oz. She was perfect in every way. Just wish she was alive

patchfer

What kind of anomaly did the scan show? Thanks.


byakuyabankai

It showed an umbilical vein varix which is a very rare disorder apparently.

87Jockey

How have you been coping with the loss?

I am a father now but it took six years of heartbreak and six lost pregnancys and I still feel desensitized and fall into depression.


byakuyabankai

I have good days and bad days. Like everyone. It's getting close to her anniversary now so it's going to start getting more and more difficult I'm sure.

If you ever need to talk drop me a pm

darkqdes

In a previous comment you mentioned that you and your partner are no longer together - Was the loss of your child the main reason for the break up?


byakuyabankai

I honestly don't know. She had an affair so clearly wasn't happy with something. Maybe it was down to the loss. I'll never know.

sprucay

A friend of mine recently lost a baby born at 30 weeks. I'm devastated for them and cannot comprehend what they're going through. I want to get them a sympathy card or something but what do I write in a card? Will they want a card?


byakuyabankai

Nothing wrong with a card. Though i would go with thinking of you. Just let them know you are there for them. Don't say it's gods plan, or you can try again etc. Just be there and if they want to talk let them.

Just be as awesome as you can be and I'm sure you are

JustChillaxMan

My condolences to you and your family with your loss. Do you believe that men are not given equal time for mourning or respected in their time of grieving from society when they face infant loss?


byakuyabankai

I do believe that. When lexi died. My wife at the time was offered full maternity leave. I had to go back to work 3 weeks later. I got time off for her funeral and other appointments like post mortem results but didn't really get that time to grieve. I must also say though. Where I work they were awesome. I couldn't have asked for better managers. They were really understanding.

themariokarters

Did this loss lead to you two splitting?


byakuyabankai

Wish I could answer this one. The affair ultimately lead to the split. Maybe this caused the affair. According to one person I was too needy for her which again hurt cos if anything I pushed my feelings aside to help her. I dunno though

Vaguely_Aware01

I’m super late and doubt this will be seen or replied to, but thank you for doing this. No one ever talks about it.

It’s weird to me how taboo this subject is. My wife and I conceived triplets July 2018. We lost one at 8-9 weeks, but our two sons survived.

Should we tell them at some point that they had a sibling? What age is that appropriate for? How the hell of you even bring that up to your children?


byakuyabankai

You're going to get a reply :-).

It is something that's taboo and it shouldn't be. We should be able to talk openly about this sort of stuff but society just doesn't want to know.

I would definitely tell your two sons about the third. When the time is right only you will know. Though im sure they will already know about the third subconsciously. How to bring it up again is a difficult one. Only you know your sons. It will be good of them to know. I mean right now they are still quite young. Maybe start doing something every year which they are young to remember the third. Then it will just be second nature to them.

seaandra

How can I, as a nurse, help with a situation like this as soon as it happens?


byakuyabankai

Just be there. Support the couple, cry with them but don't become a burden. It's going to sound incredibly weird to say this. Treat them like they had an alive child. Tell them how beautiful the child is. Ask to hold the child. Just treat them normally but always have it in the back of your mind what's happened. Also. Feed the father's. We appreciate it lol. Kinda let them do whatever they want within reason.

Alpinestarhero

Hey. This is timely for me, as I'm still going through the motions having lost what would have been my first child. My wife miscarried at 14 weeks and 5 days. After all the joy of finding out I was going to be a father, the utter complete opposite feelings now occupy me. I've never felt such a crushing loss. I'm loathed to seek out counselling because of the time it takes out of my day and because of the risk of heavily pathologising something which I still feel is a normal grief reaction.

How long will this last? When does it become a problem? What are the signs that I'm just too far gone and need help?

u/byakuyabankai - I'm so so sorry for your loss. And everyone else who's been through miscarriage, stillbirth or early newborn death, I really do sympathise with you.

Another edit - I wanted to say I'm happy to talk via PM with anyone who wants to about this topic. It's not nice and it can be difficult to get all those feelings and thoughts down in words. I accept word salads. I'll read it.


byakuyabankai

Lexi was my first and only child too. I still remember seeing her first scan and like you the joy was overwhelming. Its an AMA so i will be honest. I actually had tears in my eyes when i saw her scans. I couldn't believe I was finally going to be a dad. Then for it all to be taken away was just heartbreaking.

Let me break some things down here though from your questions.

How long will it last - It never goes away, You learn to live a new normal. Things will never go back to how they were before your loss.

When does it become a problem - It will become a problem when you distance yourself so much you stop living and just end up existing. Remember to be there for your partner but take time for yourself too. You're both grieving the worst loss imaginable. You both matter. You both need to talk at least to eachother about it.

Signs that you are too far gone and need help - I am going to break this down into 2 sections.

Signs that you are too far gone, Same as when its a problem. When you are so hollow nothing matters anymore, when you stop communicating with your partner, when life basically begins to break down and all enjoyment is gone.

When do you need help - now. There is NOTHING wrong with asking for help with this in particular. I got a lot of help and some was good, some was useless, most of it was aimed towards my wife at the time. Dads get no help its how it is.

My advice is to look for support groups. Daddys with angels is a great charity based in the uk but is worldwide. I found these to be the best help for me, it will allow you to chat to others who have been through what you have and let you get things off your chest in a safe area where people understand.

my DM is also open

youngstowntuneup

Isn’t the term for this a “miscarriage” ?

Edit- 28 weeks can be classified a miscarriage despite the downvotes. TYL


byakuyabankai

It's a misscarriage upto a point, When they are 28 weeks its a stillbirth

Ygomaster07

I know you get this a lot probably, but I'm sorry for your loss. You are really strong, i hope you know that op.

How are you doing today op? And what is your favourite ice cream flavour?


byakuyabankai

Today I'm actually doing okay. Things are good.

Now irony you ask this. My mother owns an ice cream shop. So favourite...... has to be coffee ice cream.

swordrush

What are things you are looking forward to now?


byakuyabankai

Now. I'm looking forward to a new life. I am contemplating working away on cruise ships as I used to be a Casino dealer. So that's the plan.

diogeneswanking

can you remember how she felt? we lost a baby in my family that same year, september. i can still remember what she looked and felt like. an anatomically perfect wax doll. looked like the ideal baby on the outside but her lungs were bad. she was 53 days old


byakuyabankai

I dunno. I know she was soft and felt fragile. If love could have kept her alive. She would still be here today

Cathulion

My mother lost a child once so I never got to experience being a brother or have siblings. She hasn't tried since for another.

Have you tried again since then or are you 2 still recovering and waiting for the right time?


byakuyabankai

We actually split about 7 month ago. She is currently pregnant with the person she cheated on me with. I wish her the best of luck.

mantis___bog

Having a child seems like an absolute nightmare, with the loss of sleep, loss of freedom, mess, and huge financial burden. Why don't you consider this a convenient out and go on vacation somewhere spectacular instead of wasting time on reddit?


byakuyabankai

Thank you for your comment.

Ironically. I would love the loss of sleep, freedom, mess etc. Its what you do as a good parent. Im sure it will be worth it.

As for vacations, I will be taking one soon thanks. Plus aren't we both technically wasting time on reddit?

[deleted]

[deleted]


byakuyabankai

Not really. But it's there and nothings going to change that. There is also the wave of light that happens all over the world in October 15th. It's a beautiful thing. Maybe think of taking part?

OnTheList-YouTube

How are you doing today? And your partner? Last year I lost my beautiful perfect son, Alexander. He passed away in the womb after 32 weeks and 6 days. Almost lost my wife too! Now my wife is pregnant again, we're at week 6. I'm both excited and terrified of the possible outcome.


byakuyabankai

Im doing good, though a little hungry lol. but thats cos i haven't had lunch yet, my fault. My partner and I are no longer on speaking terms so I have no idea how she is. Though I know, like your partner, she is pregnant again with the bloke she had an affair with.

You're going to be very terrified at the moment. All i can do is wish you the best of luck in the future and ask if you keep me updated. My Pms are always open if you need to talk

Oct0tron

I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. My wife is 22 weeks today. I'm...not so scared that it takes my joy away, and nervous isn't the right word. Mildly scared? So far, everything's been coming back good. Nice, strong heartbeat, no anomalies, nothing indicating any abnormality or defect. What advice would you have for us? Are there any particular tests that we should make sure are done? We're fortunate to have a very good, extremely thorough doc, but I can ask if you have anything I should look out for.


byakuyabankai

I only have the one experience which I can relate too. Our anomaly was detected at 20 weeks. Just take each day as it comes and I wish you luck for the future

mantis___bog

What can I do for a loved one that’s gone through this?


byakuyabankai

Just be there. Don't push them to talk but also don't stop them. They will want to talk about their child when they're ready. Just be there and be awesome

Techwood111

As a man who impregnated a woman who miscarried at about the same time as your partner did, I wonder how can you call yourself a "father," how you can say you lost a child, and how you can say the "child" was 28 weeks old? Can you imagine having a child that WAS 28 weeks old that then perished?

"We had a miscarriage" is what my wife and I have always said. It is accurate. Sure, it sucks, but it doesn't suck nearly as much as having delivered a child that survived to be 28 weeks, and then perished! We've never claimed to be parents. We've never said we lost a child.

I hate to come off as insensitive, but damn, remember I was there, too, and I can't think for a moment why I would want to put a knit cap on, or wrap in a crocheted blanket, the dead fetus.

I do wish I had been better prepared to the fact that THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME, and delivering a full-term baby is NOT the norm.


byakuyabankai

Everyone has their own opinion on how things are and how to classify things. Personally in the UK this is classed as a stillbirth. She was registered as being born and was issued a stillbirth certificate. If you look through government records, she exists. So from 28 weeks in the UK this is now classed as misscarriage. If you are in the UK and for you it was, im sorry but times have moved on.

Also, i am glad i got to take pictures of my daughter, we got to spend the entire day with her. The fact you didn't im sorry to say this, you missed out. Maybe you have different emotions to mine and have different opinions. But i did things my way and im glad i did.

jeegte12

so is it a baby before it's born, then?


byakuyabankai

well yeah, you aren't pregnant with a kitten are you?

orbitserv

I lost my first pregnancy at between 16-18 weeks after my girl was diagnosed with a life limiting chromosome disorder. I know how hard it is to overcome the grief, but something I still struggle with is the idea of my next pregnancy, about how I will feel, if I’ll be able to bond with the baby properly. Is this something you do or have dealt with, and if so, how?


byakuyabankai

I have never dealt with it. If i was on speaking terms with my ex wife i would ask her to reply lol.

The best advice I can offer. Next time you will be closely monitored. You will definitely be able to bond. If anything you will bond more. I know that's weird to say. I wish you luck in the future

twistinmyausterity

Sorry if this question may seem inappropriate, but:

How do you feel about the "Loss" webcomic?

Do you find the meme status it has reached and the ensuing jokes inappropriate, or rather the fact such a serious, and painful, issue was shoehorned into a work of comedy?


byakuyabankai

Never heard of it to be honest. Should i have a look or not? Lol.

I guess I can comment on somethings. So. I was recently at a comedy gig. Ricky Gervais to be exact. My friend wanted to treat me to a night out after my wife left me.

Now I'm not his biggest fan being honest but hey. A night out is a night out. His first jokes..... baby funerals.

Now I wasn't offended, I could have been, but I kinda expected it.

Though I will say this.

Ricky Gervais is a shit comedian lol. Not for that joke. He's just shit.

DRAWKWARD79

Is that a picture of your deceased child? I was not prepared for that.


byakuyabankai

It is, it's the only proof I can provide. Beautiful isn't she.

demtingzz

What is the most comforting thing someone can do for a family member who just lost their baby?


byakuyabankai

Be there for them. Understand without sympathizing too much. Allow them to talk without forcing them. Just be an awesome friend like I'm sure you are

Bellgoesding

Is it accurate to refer to yourself as a father?


byakuyabankai

I believe it is. She is still my daughter.

manwithabazooka

Did you ever find your child? That's super young to be losing them


byakuyabankai

You know. I got this joke a lot last time. It wasn't funny then. It isn't funny now. Not the place to be making jokes. You're just gonna get downvoted. But I will reply.

It is young to be losing them. I hope you never lose a child.

Moonlyteshadow

How old were you when this happened?


byakuyabankai

I would have been 31 when she died.

NoahBolt

How could you possibly cope with that?

Christ


byakuyabankai

You live each day the best you can.

shankarsivarajan

What do you think of the "just a clump of cells" argument?


byakuyabankai

When i held Lexi she wasn't a clump of cells. She was a tiny human. Technically if you wanna go down that route, were all just a bunch of cells

[deleted]

[removed]


byakuyabankai

The originality of this joke?

nope never

warriorofinternets

Hi, a friend of mine was due to give birth on July 4th or thereabouts and then never posted anything about a birth and hasn’t reached out since I last contacted her before that date.

I assume she lost the baby and miscarried but what is the most appropriate way to check in on her without seeming like I’m dredging up pain or sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong? Should I let her contact me when ready? I want to show support but also don’t want to hurt anyone through my ignorance.

Thanks for your advice!


byakuyabankai

I would get in contact and just ask how she is doing, let her know you were thinking of her and decided to give her a call. If she wants to tell you about her loss she will, if not she wont. If she does just be there and listen. Never say it just wasn't meant to be or it was gods will etc. Just be an awesome friend like you already are.

Maybe take her out for a coffee just to get her out of the house or something, that will likely help

[deleted]

[deleted]


byakuyabankai

Also from the UK saw that one on channel 4. It was heartbreaking.

Best thing to do is things like this. Talk about it. I'm tempted to do a YouTube vlog about childloss but I don't know how it would be received

DaniBatarang

What do you remeber about your daughter while she was in the womb? What was your favorite part about the pregnancy? I've had 3 pregnancies (one healthy, two ended in miscarriage), but I can remeber my son hiccuped a lot and he would always stop kicking as soon as my husband went to feel him moving.


byakuyabankai

my favourite part, she would jump when i sneezed. Im a loud sneezer lol. I like to think she liked the sound of my voice. When i spoke to her she would tend to relax a bit and just calm down.

libertymarlow

I'm so sorry for your loss. My question is, is there anything that you can do and/or say as a friend to provide any comfort? I have had multiple friends suffer miscarriages and it is always a little hard to know what I can do as a friend.


byakuyabankai

The best thing to do is be there. Let them talk without forcing them to do so. Just be as awesome as possible as I'm sure you are.

PM_ME_YOUR_TURBO_MAN

Then you're not a father?

HumourDarkerThanAinsley


byakuyabankai

Explain?

Karl_Marx_

What is the point of infant loss awareness? It sounds like a horrific experience but is "raising awareness" actually doing anything? You didn't even post a link to a charity that focuses on certain diseases for new borns or mothers.


byakuyabankai

The point of it is as it says, to raise awareness. For example. 16 babies die every day in the UK alone. More research needs to be done to try to stop babies dying, a lot of the time it doesn't need to happen. Better scans and treatments can be done to prevent this in the future.

If you want some information on Charities some good ones are mentioned below

4Louis - Create memory boxes and send cuddle cots so you can keep your child with you longer.
Teardrop - a local support group for bereaved parents
Sands - The UK child loss Charity.
Daddys with Angels - an online charity that supports grieving parents.

there are many more. Feel free to research.

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October 11th 2018